Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[Gadget Geek]

I thought I'd post this here. It made me chuckle.

 

[pollenface]

Q. Why are fish so smart?

A. Because they swim in schools

 

[johnb80]

TV Advert….Direct Cremations have a money back guarantee!

Yesterday radio 4 someone said "we need to put our foot on the gas pedal about global warming"

Again, radio4 yesterday, " well, in a nutshell, transgender….."

 

[bobbarley]

How much does a rainbow weigh?


Not much, it’s pretty light

 

[Archev]

Whilst driving home the other day
I encountered a common phenomenon
I was heading along the motorway
And found my goddam brakes had gone

So I calmly called the boys in blue
To perform their service front ‘n back
Alert the rozzer bumper squad
Save my Soul with a wee T-pac

They were there in an instant
Slowed me down to a crawl
Then asked for donations
For the annual Fuzz ball

I said that’s ridic’lous
Are you guys on the make ?
That’s why I was arrested
‘Cos I asked for a brake

 

[SteveRW]

Never criticise your wife’s choices, after all you were one of them.

 

[johnb80]

I've been seeing a nurse recently. Last night I made it up to her bedroom for the first time.
Getting undressed, I dropped my trousers and, pointing to my willy, said, "I bet in your job you must see a lot of these. How does mine compare?"
She replied, "To be honest, that's slightly bigger than the majority I see."
As you can imagine, I was made up. "Thanks very much", I responded gratefully.
As an afterthought I added, "Out of interest, what kind of nursing exactly do you do?"
"I'm a midwife!"

 

[Shrink Proof]

"...and in other news, since losing her seat at the General Election, we ask "whatever happened to Liz Truss?" Well, our reporter caught up with her earlier today at her new job in global cyber-security, and this is what Liz had to say. Oh, sorry, we seem to be having some trouble bringing you that report..."

 

[OriginalBigAl]

After thousands of years of debate, belief, and argument the truth is finally out . Communication with the afterlife and its existence is confirmed....... " Pure Cremations" have a 5 star client review rating.

 

[DaevM]

After thousands of years of debate, belief, and argument the truth is finally out . Communication with the afterlife and its existence is confirmed....... " Pure Cremations" have a 5 star client review rating.

Will have to check in. See if my mom's left a review yet ??

 

[Archev]

The hielan' coo

I saw a group of tourists
Photograph a hielan' coo
whatever did she think of them?
The answer, most likely, was MOO

For a bovine intellectual
As a concept can't be true
Whatever way you question them
The dispassionate repost is MOO

Oh she'll fool you with a look
You'll think some wisdom will ensue
But predictably, she'll flick her tail,
chew some cud, and MOO

I'd love to tell those tourists
( But I haven't got the heart )
To keep their photoshoot upwind
If she doesn't MOO - she'll explain global warming !

Archie McKellar