Joke thread

[T1 Terry]

really wish I'd come up with this one, but your grandson was just a bit quicker

 

[MG Clive]

I asked my son to pass me the phone book, he just laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and passed me his iPhone.

So now that big spider is dead, the iPhone is smashed, and my son is well pissed off.

 

[siteguru]

This is a joke about a drunkard ...

Spoiler

I heard about this guy who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".

 

[salty]

 

[Archev]

Soup in modern times.

Forget firewood collect sunshine

Forget boiling meat and digging veg

Induce heat and enjoy

 

[Everest]

Ah... but if you'd got an MG4 you could have just plugged the induction hob into the V2L output

 

[Archev]

Ah... but if you'd got an MG4 you could have just plugged the induction hob into the V2L output

Aye that would work a treat @Rolf demonstrated her 4te with the electric kettle but the Citroen is not so clever. The Vtoman power unit has been working well with the induction hob and coffee maker etc over the last few days in preparation for some days away with the car and / or the tent very soon.

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

Strangely enough. And didn't know this before I posted the above. When I checked out of curiosity. George died yesterday. So it's appropriate or not, which ever the case may be.
To be fair though, I bet he'd laugh at that.

 

[Eclectic]

Strangely enough. And didn't know this before I posted the above. When I checked out of curiosity. George died yesterday. So it's appropriate or not, which ever the case may be.
To be fair though, I bet he'd laugh at that.

I worked in the Prison Service for nearly 3 decades, and "Black Humour" saw you through the hard times. I chuckled at the above, sad though I was to see news of Georges passing, and I think you are right, he would have seen the funny side of that pic.

 

[salty]

 

[T1 Terry]

View attachment 35652

Can't even cross to the other side with getting a grilling RIP George ... but I still think it was punching someone's lights out and not how you cooked a steak that kept you in good shape

T1 Terry

 

[JohnV6]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over and made the order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
The young man approached them and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man, who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man,
And what are you waiting for then?

Spoiler

THE
TEETH!!!

 

[Ian Key]

Two men in a pub.

First man: Is that orange juice you're drinking? Don't you like beer?
Second man: I tried it once but didn't like it

First man; Have you ever been abroad on holiday?
Second man: I tried it once but didn't like it

First man: Have you ever been bungee jumping?
Second man: I tried it once but didn't like it

First man: What about going caving?
Second man: I tried it once but didn't like it

First man: How many children have you got?
Second man: One

 

[T1 Terry]

Wife sent me this one, a comment below a TikTok about someone not being able to get insurance for their new Cybertruck

A recent survey showed out of 300 Cybertrucks, 297 were still on the road ...... the other 3 made it back home somehow ....

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

Lady takes her pedigree dog to the vet because it has a mucky discharge from its ears. The vet keeps the dog over night so they can remove the thick hair from inside the ears ..... and the vet recommends regular use of hair remover rubbed inside the dog's ears and then wiped out with a clean damp cloth to stop the condition from returning.

The lady goes to the Chemist buy some Veet, and the Chemist, always trying to offer good advice tells her not to use a deodorant for a few days on her under arms .....

She replies, it's not for my under arms ... immediately he recommends not to leave it very long on her top lip or it will become red and sore .....

The woman is getting a bit irate by this stage and tells him it's not for removing facial hair ... He then recommends using baby oil on her legs immediately after use .......

Quite fed up by now, the woman says, if you must know it is for my Schnauzer, quick as flash he replies, best stay off the bicycle for a week or so ........

T1 Terry

 

[Willie]

two snakes are slithering across the ground side by side, suddenly snake A stops and asks snake B are we the type of snake that squeezes our prey to death or are we the type that poisons our prey to death, snake B answers why do you ask, snake A I've just bitten my lip.

 

[Everest]

Two atoms were out shopping, walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "Oh no, I've lost an electron". The other atom ask "Are you sure"? First atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive".

 

[siteguru]

Wife sent me this one, a comment below a TikTok about someone not being able to get insurance for their new Cybertruck

A recent survey showed out of 300 Cybertrucks, 297 were still on the road ...... the other 3 made it back home somehow ....

T1 Terry

That's a parody of the Harley D bikes joke.

 

[Archev]

That's a parody of the Harley D bikes joke.

Never the case with my BSA motorcycle