Joke thread

[T1 Terry]

Swap?

OK, some digital heat headed your way, enjoy

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

Did it arrive? Didn't seem to do much for relieving the heat this end. I should have mentioned, to activate the digital heat, you need to put your digital device in the oven on high for 10 mins .... or an air fryer on 200 for 5 mins .... when you take your digital device back out, you will feel the heat I sent you

Beware, don't use the microwave, that can be real hard on the digital device and cause error codes

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

Ha ha that brought back wonderful memories- not of electronic devices but way before they were a twinkle in any iPhone -
My Father in law and I used to enjoy visiting what was known as the “Toll o’ Mossat” shop in Aberdeenshire. It was famous rural emporium that sold just about anything and everything.
We used to go for a day out with my new wife and delightful Mother in law in my Morris Minor and end up there. He and I always checked out the home made cheeses from local farms in the area. We’d take home one of those complete rustic delights and melt chunks on the open fire surround in the wee cottage they lived in since their marriage and where my wife and her siblings were born. Man that runny curd was heavenly on oatcakes made on the griddle hung from the swey over that same fire.

That must be about as far as it’s possible to go away from an apple in the mike
Many thanks for your generosity

 

[T1 Terry]

Glad I could help. This is a 5 day collection of the water dragged out of the air by the rooftop air con, and we are supposed to live in the dryest state in Australia, often qualified as "yeah it's hot, but it's a dry heat out here" Yeah, Right ....




No it isn't a joke, wish it was

T1 Terry

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

 

[T1 Terry]

View attachment 32703

It can't fix stupid, but it can make it easier to tolerate

 

[johnb80]

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE?​

You can now get sex insurance in the UK from many different company’s. To help you get the correct insurance for sex youre having please consult the list below.

Sex with your wife – Legal and General

Sex on the telephone – Direct Line

Sex with your partner – Standard Life

Sex with someone different – Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions – More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car – Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a prostitute – Commercial Union

Sex with your maid – Employers Liability

Sex with an OAP – Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy – General Accident

Sex with animals – National Farmers Union

Sex with a Monk – Abbey Life

Sex with Navy Officers – Admiral Group

Sex with a transvestite – Confused.com

 

[m4rmite]

Sex whilst drunk - AA

 

[johnb80]

Sex whilst drunk - AA

Did you know it's against the rules to have sex in Iceland whilst intoxicated?
I'm not sure of the rules in Tesco, Asda, Sainsburys or Waitrose though.

 

[Ian Key]

Sex for the first time - Virgin Money

Sex with a homicidal maniac - AXA

Sex with a Vauxhall car - A VIVA

 

[johnb80]

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.


Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big b*****s and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

 

[Lovemyev]

 

[T1 Terry]

I heard the local Rabbi was in trouble for under cutting his competitors and short shafting his customers .....

T1 Terry

 

[Ian Key]

Why is Christmas like a day at work?

You do all the work and the fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

 

[Archev]

The festive season approaches so I thought it was time for some poetry
I didn’t write it but I know you all enjoyed the last Doric poems I posted .

The Christmas Fairy.

Am coury’in ‘neath an auld tin pail
In the midden by the Byre
Am fine an warm an toastie
Wi a drammie an a fire
Ave burnt yon gypit nightie
An trashed yon angel wings
An ye’ll nae catch me up a Christmas tree
As lang’s cock robin sings
I was born a free range fairy
On the slopes o Benachie
Fit auld folk cry-it a brownie
Or a kinfolk o the she
I grew up under the heather
And drank the morning dew
And worked the kind o magic
That little people do
I’d mak a quinie fa in love
Wi a laddie at the skweel
Or mak a fermer rue the day
He swickit on a deal
His ewes wid a’ lie coupit
His cows wid a’ ging dry
Hi tatties a’ be blighted
An his prize bull up an die
See, being a Scottish fairy
Is nae fit maist fowk think
We’re nae yon shilpit craters
Dressed up in mauve or pink
Blinin folk wi fairy dust
Needin Bairn’s tae clap their hands
An flappin little fairy wings
Tae flit ower fairy lands. Na na
Scottish fairies are just wee teuchters
As teuch as aul shoe leather
Dressed up in moleskin jaikits
An oot in every weather
Their breeks are made o hodden grey
Their caps o conker shells
An the tackety beets on their fairy feet
Are made o Scots bluebells
Now , ye’ll never see a fairy
Ye’ll never catch a sniff
For if a human sees a fairy
The fairy fa’s doon stiff
Nae deed as such, jist frozen
It canna blink an ee
So a fairy’s gie attentive
When theirs humans on the spree
Or I should hae been, gouk that I am
I was caught twa year ago
In a dwam, a’hint the dairy
Fan a little lassie cried
“Oh look Mum, there’s a fairy”
WHAM !! Ah had nae time tae rue ma folly
As her mother picked me up an’ said
“Oh, someone’s lost their dolly”
Dolly ? Ah was black afrontit
They stripped me o’ ma Nicky tams
An, syne doubt, ah sorts o’ things
Then dressed me in a nighty
An’ geid me angels wings
But the worst humiliation
Losh, it fairly made me loup
Was fan they took a jaggy Christmas tree
An jammed it up ma doup
Twa Christmases a’ve spent like that
A’ dignity was lost
A Norman Pine whar the sun don’t shine
My eyes watery an’ crossed !
Ah’d be there yet I warrant
Trapped in fairy hell
If it wasnae fur a pussy cat
An’ a ginger dug cried Bell
Ae day the cat an dug were fechtin’
Racin’ Roon’ the room
Fan they clatter aff the Christmas tree
An’ brocht the hale thing doon
A wheen o’ Christmas baubles fell
An’ shattert on the hearth
An ah flew Stracht oot the windae
An’ landed on the earth
Fan err ah touched the morning dew
It broke the magic spell
An ah gethert up ma nightie
An ran like merry hell
Noo I’m safe a’neath this bucket
An ah’l nae come oot till dark
An’ as for Merry Christmas?
Well ye can stuff that for a lark.

Merry Christmas everyone.

 

[decrep]

Merry Xmas Archev, and thanks for staying with us.
I think I got most of that,
Yon Fairy has quite an accent.

 

[Archev]

Merry Xmas Archev, and thanks for staying with us.
I think I got most of that,
Yon Fairy has quite an accent.

It takes a while to tune in to the accent. Listen to the spoken word with “Auld Davie’s drawers” on utube recited by the poet himself - fabulous.

 

[decrep]

I prefer him singing it.
Can we have a vote?

 

[Archev]

I prefer him singing it.
Can we have a vote?

Singing ??? New one to me