Joke thread

[T1 Terry]

View attachment 34488

Ah yes, the famous Bow Wow Chow .....

 

[salty]

 

[Everest]

 

[Archev]

I went to Tesco’s for a haggis and a neep today. Very young lassie on the till footered about with the neep, turned it round and round, held it up, turned it over- then said to me “is that a vegetable? What do you call it ?
I said it was a turnip to have with my haggis. She honestly had to look it up on her tablet to find out how to put it through the till

 

[Rolfe]

 

[T1 Terry]

Bought a roast chook from a supermarket that still had them behind the counter. I asked the very young lady if it was stuffed, without even a blink she replied, it isn't looking too healthy, cutting it's head off, pulling the guts and feathers out and running them through the rotisserie is the most likely reason for that ...... How do reply to such quick wittedness as that from someone so young

T1 Terry

 

[Coulomb]

View attachment 34607

It's been done, in the funny signs thread:

Post in thread 'Funny signs, graffiti etc. ?'

Jul 29, 2024

• johnb80

• 
• 

 

[Everest]

It's been done, in the funny signs thread:

Doh!... well, it was worth seeing it again But now I'm going to waste another 30 mins of my life scrolling through that other great thread

 

[Ruislip Resident]

A duck walked up to the lemonade stand and said "hey, got any grapes?".........

 

[OriginalBigAl]

Time for a loo break!

 

[Eclectic]

 

[Kithmo]

The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but generally come back as a different creature. She said 'Well I would like to come back as a cow'. I said ‘you're obviously not listening’.
The last person to enter parliament with an honest intention was Guy Fawkes
Fred drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A farmer asked me to round up 68 sheep today, so I said that’s easy 70
When I was young my parents used to say to me: ‘To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices’. And it was true, ’cause they were both druids.
I don’t know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. ’Cause I always get run over.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire….They train for that.
The school had a big problem with drugs…especially Class A.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight….Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out , there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?” He ignored us and continued writing out the ticket.I called him an “asshole”. He glared at us and started writing out another ticket for the car having worn out tyres. So Mary called him a “dick head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing out more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired, it’s important at our age.

 

[Ian Key]

The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but generally come back as a different creature. She said 'Well I would like to come back as a cow'. I said ‘you're obviously not listening’.
The last person to enter parliament with an honest intention was Guy Fawkes
Fred drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A farmer asked me to round up 68 sheep today, so I said that’s easy 70
When I was young my parents used to say to me: ‘To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices’. And it was true, ’cause they were both druids.
I don’t know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. ’Cause I always get run over.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire….They train for that.
The school had a big problem with drugs…especially Class A.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight….Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out , there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?” He ignored us and continued writing out the ticket.I called him an “asshole”. He glared at us and started writing out another ticket for the car having worn out tyres. So Mary called him a “dick head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing out more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired, it’s important at our age.

Did you have the Tim Vine joke book for Christmas?

 

[T1 Terry]

It was announced BMW have indicated they are moving away from Elon's social media site X ........ This is a historic occasion, it marks the first time a BMW has indicated before changing direction .....

T1 Terry

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

 

[siteguru]

Nicked before it gets censored

 

[OriginalBigAl]

Didn't see that one on "Only Connect " !!!

 

[decrep]

I see it but not saying