Joke thread

[T1 Terry]

Bob and his wife decided they both should lose a little weight, and planned a joint diet program.
His wife suggested that, to encourage them to stay on the diet, they should have a ‘cheat’ day once a week.
After the first week, Bob’s wife brought home a KFC Family Meal Deal.
Bob brought home his secretary.
He’s recovering in hospital, but still wonders if men will ever understand women.

T1 Terry

 

[slmorgan42]

This made me laugh. Got to love the minions.

 

[Archev]

 

[T1 Terry]

Wife says to her husband, "I have something to tell you, please don't get mad at me"

Husband replies, "Go ahead, I'm listening"

"Before we first met, I was a Christian"

"Why would I be mad at you for that?"

"I've been so worried about telling you, do you promise you aren't mad at me?"

"Promise, hand on heart"

"I feel so relieved now I've told you. I was a Christian, but I like being a Christina so much better"

"Wait .... what?"

T1 Terry

 

[Kithmo]

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
One of them looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

While waiting in the queue at a pizza place, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into four pieces or six. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces. I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."

 

[T1 Terry]

The wife rang and told me she saw a fox on the way to work ...

I asked how she knew it was on the way to work?

She hung up on me, how rude, she could have just admitted she might have been wrong .....

T1 Terry

 

[siteguru]

Reminds me of a radio advert recently broadcast in the UK, for a car insurance company ...

"If you're involved in an accident, with an uninsured driver that isn't your fault ....." (punctuation is mine, based on how the advert is phrased)

Erm ... how can that uninsured driver ever be your fault? (Unless it's your progeny of course)

 

[T1 Terry]

Yesterday, my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen.
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom .......

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

Yesterday, my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen.
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom .......

T1 Terry

Then go straight out and buy that lassie flowers and chocolates or I’m telling her of your ploy

 

[T1 Terry]

Do you know that statistics show that 90% of bald men still own a comb??
.
.
.
.
They just can't part with it.

T1 Terry

 

[siteguru]

 

[Kithmo]

Paddy says, "my mate Mick came off his motorbike yesterday"
Murphy says, "oh dear"
Paddy says, "yes he has brain damage, two broken arms and is blind in one eye"
"bloody hell" says Murphy, "no wonder he fell off"

 

[MG Clive]

Tesla sets new speed record

 

[Archev]

Tesla sets new speed record

What do you think of it so far ?

 

[salty]

 

[MG Clive]

Pink Floyd.

 

[T1 Terry]

I was walking down town t’other day when a bloke shoved a can under my nose, shook it so I’d hear there were coins in it and said, “Dr Barnardo’s Home.”
I replied, “I didn’t know he’d been away.”

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

Tomorrow I’m taking my winecask back to the liquor store for a refund.
When I bought it, the sales person told me that once opened it would last six weeks.
It only lasted two nights.

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

In the meantime, Elon has announced a plan to turn around his latest misfortunes. He had a few of his staff draw it out on a chalk board to make it easier for the lay person to understand

 

[MG Clive]

It's the wife's birthday next week, and she's been leaving jewellery mags all round the house, well I certainly know how to take a hint, so I've ordered her a magazine rack.