Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[Rolfe]

Don't force me to do the lab tests and the cat scan joke.

 

[CuriousIslander]

Don't force me to do the lab tests and the cat scan joke.

Go on - you know you want to.....

 

[Robf]

What do you call a Scotsman with his key in the front door?

Hamish

 

[Archev]

Don't force me to do the lab tests and the cat scan joke.

If it’s the one about the large gathering of Highland cows, we’ve herd it.

 

[Archev]

"The hielan' coo"

I saw a group of tourists
Photograph a hielan' coo
whatever did she think of them?
The answer, most likely, was MOO

For a bovine intellectual
As a concept can't be true
Whatever way you question them
The dispassionate repost is MOO

Oh she'll fool you with a look
You'll think some wisdom will ensue
But predictably, she'll flick her tail,
chew some cud, and MOO

I'd love to tell those tourists
( But I haven't got the heart )
To keep their photoshoot upwind
If she doesn't MOO - she'll explain global warming !



Archie

 

[johnb80]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

v

v

v

v

Because theyre good at it!

 

[Corindikev]

A frog walks in to a bank and asks for a loan.
The loans officer asks for his name.
Kermit the frog says, Kermit Jagger, What's yours?
Patrick he says Patrick Whack.
How much do you want.
I want $30,000.00 says Kermit.
30 thousand, good grief you're just a frog.
I have a famous father says the frog, Mick Jagger. He is a good friend of the bank manager, go and ask him, he'll vouch for me.
Look says Patrick it doesn't matter who your father is you can't get a loan without collateral.
Kermit then fumbles about in his pocket and eventually pulls out a tiny pink elephant perfectly formed and says this is collateral now go and see the manager about my loan.
So Patrick reluctantly goes in to the back office and bumps in to the bank manager on his way out to lunch and quickly relates the story in a a very condescending manner & then shows him the pink elephant offered as collateral saying what the hell is this supposed to be.

The Manager says

It's a nick nack paddy whack
give the frog a loan
his old man's a rolling stone.

 

[gnutrino]

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes"?

I can't, in good conscience, let this one pass without posting the classic song version:

 

[Cocijo]

“I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".

 

[Ferretusmaximus]

What is the difference between a Prime Minister and a Chocolate Teapot?

Spoiler

You can eat a Chocolate Teapot ?

 

[gnutrino]

What is the difference between a Prime Minister and a Chocolate Teapot?

Spoiler

You can eat a Chocolate Teapot ?

Spoiler

If you're Dutch you can eat a Prime Minister too

 

[Archev]

Spoiler

If you're Dutch you can eat a Prime Minister too

Can I vote for the tea party with the choccy pot please.

 

[SteveRW]

Somebody texted me ngba, I thought that’s bang out of order.

 

[Cocijo]

What does DNA stand for?

Spoiler

national dislexia association

 

[gnutrino]

Did you hear about the survivalist who went to live on a desert island with his pet lions? He started out bragging about how good he was at scavenging for nuts and berries

Spoiler

but eventually he had to swallow his pride

 

[SteveRW]

 

[siteguru]

What does DNA stand for?

Spoiler

national dislexia association

Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

 

[johnb80]

Why is there only 1 monopolies commission?
How do they get Teflon to stick to a frying pan?

English Language oddities:-

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

My Grandad always used to say when one door closes another one opens. He was a nice guy but a terrible cabinet maker.

If I'd misplaced something, Grandma often said "It'll be in the last place you look" Well yes of course it would, if I've found why would I look further?

 

[johnb80]

3 stages of a man's love life:-

Tri Weekly
Try Weekly
Try Weakly

 

[Cocijo]

Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

What’s the punchline?