Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[johnb80]

Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?



He bought himself a warehouse

 

[johnb80]

Hubby goes off fishing, he gets set up, cast the line in and within 1 minute he’d caught a 10lb fish. He cast the line again, within another minute he’d caught an 11lb fish. He kept on repeating the process and caught a fish every minute all between 10 and 11lb, it was an amazing day.

His phone rang:
Hubby: ‘Hello’
Caller: ‘Mr Johnson?’
Hubby ‘Yes’
Caller: ‘ Hello sir, it’s Dr Parker in casualty at City Hospital, your wife has been involved in a terrible accident, she’s in a critical condition, you really need to be here’
Hubby ‘Jeez doc, best days fishing Ive had in a long time and now I need to miss it, just caught loads of fish. OK, I’ll pack up and come down.

He wound his line in and he had another 11lb fish, he thought he’d just try one more, a minute later, he caught another and another. 30 minutes had gone by he thought he better get down to casualty.

As he walked down the corridor to casualty he met the doctor coming the other way.
Hubby: ‘Hi doc, hows my wife?’
Doc: ‘I know what you did, YOU stayed fishing whilst YOUR wife was here critically ill.’
Doc: ‘Let me tell you this, if your wife needs feeding, YOU will have to feed her’
Doc: ‘If she needs to go to the toilet, YOU will have to take her’
Doc: ‘If she needs a bath, YOU will have to bath her.’
Hubby hung his head in shame and burst into tears.
The doctor laughed and slapped him on the back and said ‘Ha, gotcha, I’m winding you up, I’m only kidding, shes DEAD, what did you catch?’

 

[siteguru]

What’s the punchline?

Go back to my post and open up the spoiler of the post I quoted.

 

[Archev]

What’s the punchline?

I thought that was a self charging punchline ?‍ what do i know ?

 

[SteveRW]

Do Teslas have that new car smell or is it just Elon Musk?

 

[Fiver]

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, aghast and dismayed.

 

[Fiver]

My friend came out of the room with tears running down his face.

He said, “Its a boy !”

We never went to Thailand again !

 

[Gadget Geek]

My friend came out of the room with tears running down his face.

He said, “Its a boy !”

We never went to Thailand again !

That actually happened to someone I know!

 

[Lovemyev]

I thought that any Welsh members subjected to the 20 Mph limits would like this !.

 

[maskull]

I thought that any Welsh members subjected to the 20 Mph limits would like this !.

View attachment 23291

That was my bin on Monday . Just hope it didn't stop too long or I'll be getting a fine off Parking Eye

 

[Rolfe]

That's why Caliban was safely tucked inside the garage while that was going on.

 

[OriginalBigAl]

My wife was cleaning her MG4 today when she suddenly threw the sponge then the dirty water and finally the bucket at me. I only said don't forget to clean your front flaps!

 

[Rolfe]

A couple of recent jokes have been at least skirting the "keep it clean" injunction. Just saying.

 

[OriginalBigAl]

A couple of recent jokes have been at least skirting the "keep it clean" injunction. Just saying.

I did have reservations before posting but I was watching some Jimmy Carr clips and he made me do it. I'm easily influenced.

 

[Fiver]

Someone called me on my mobile phone. They sneezed, coughed and hung up….



I hate cold callers.

 

[Fiver]

I saw a microbiologist today.

To be honest, he was much bigger than I thought he would be.

 

[Fiver]

One of these can move anywhere, the other has to move on a diagonal.

 

[Ruislip Resident]

Regarding Jurgen Klopps announcement. I can't remember seeing so many gutted Scousers since the invention of locking wheel nuts.

Maybe he was just burnt out...like most of the coaches to visit Anfield.

 

[Archev]

Regarding Jurgen Klopps announcement. I can't remember seeing so many gutted Scousers since the invention of locking wheel nuts.

Maybe he was just burnt out...like most of the coaches to visit Anfield.

Oh no not them going on fire next ?‍.
Then we’ll get all the reports of them breaking fan’s hearts etc. etc.

 

[Lovemyev]